Where am I with this?

It’s the question that plagues my mind… what on earth am I going to do?. The whole concept of this blog is talking about not drinking, but I’m not there yet. I’ve not stopped! I’m terrified if I stop I don’t know who I am.

Does that sound daft? There is a large but of me that enjoys being seen as the cool, carefree, rebel. The one who still knows how to party in her 40s. Whose equally happy with a good wine, a great whiskey, or 5 pints down the pub.

The one who shares a love of good whiskey with her father, one of the few things we have in common, yet my love of gin comes from my mum.

Mostly, I don’t know how to tell the world I have a problem, not anonymously like one is doing here, but to be the one doing “sorry, I don’t drink”. I can’t imagine surviving a social situation without a drink, or lots of drinks, of being so alone in a crowd inside your own head.

I can’t imagine life without the dimmer switch that you crank down after work.

A life without the ability to let go, to always be on edge and in your head and alone in a crowd unable to connect. Sounds fucking dreadful! I don’t think most people see the need for alcohol to cure that, but I do. Or at least I have. It’s how I wind down, wind up, relax… yet over lockdown its been the never-ending source of escape.

So where am I with this?

It’s a journey, one step at a time. Clearly, I want to do something, but fuck knows what that is!

- K