State of the union
Can ya tell I liked the West Wing a bit too much! In my head that’s a clever title that captures what this post is about, setting things out as to where we are, who knows, at least it amuses me.
So, why are we here? why am I doing this?
The simple answer is “Last Thursday”, of course, that’s going to require some explanation to make sense to anyone else. Essentially last Thursday began as all recent Thursdays have with me wending my way to work. Post pandemic we’re only doing one day in the office and for my team that’s Thursday (wonder how many times I can type Thursday in one post, it’s getting distracting writing it… Thursday Thursday Thursday… anyway). Thursday happens to align with the compani’s weekly social event, basically come along to drink free booze and hang out. Yes, free booze, the joys of working in tech ever since Google came onto the scene years ago and upped the anti on perks. At the same time, a college wanted to celebrate their birthday and had brought along a bottle of Whiskey.
For further context, I have a personal training session every Friday morning at 7 so getting drunk isn’t the best idea.
I’m sure this will resonate with some, but I’ve never found a reason to stop drinking after that first drink. Indeed, I don’t have a drink, I start drinking. The line between where one ends and the next starts is meaningless. I go till I am stopped by external forces. Sometimes with willpower, I’ll drag myself away but that intention is often silenced by the internal monologue that goes “fuck it” after the first.
It’s clear where this is going
The “I’ll have one” and then leave to be fresh for the gym turned into a session that started with beer, went onto gin, and ended somewhere around a third of a bottle of whiskey. So far, so not unusual. This is par for the course, stupid perhaps, but hardly the most I’ve ever drunk or the worst I’ve let m future self down. It’s what happened next that has me starting this blog.
I do remember getting up at some point to leave.
I then woke up at home in bed in the morning wanting to die!
Now, I’ve been blackout drunk many, many times, but this time feels different. I went out of the office to the tube, got on the correct train to a station. Found the correct train and rode that homeward to then walk to my flat and get into bed. All the whilst not losing either my handbag or my laptop. Along the way, I somehow smashed my glasses and lost a lens which I discovered later that afternoon when I decided I was ready to actually be able to see something.
And that’s scared me.
I have zero recollection of any of it. I don’t know what happened to my glasses but clearly, something did. Did I fall over, walk into something, get punched? How the heck did I find the correct train let alone get off at the right point whilst lugging everything I carry around. Did I embarrass myself?m worse, did I embarrass myself in the office or do something that could get me fired.
And the Hangover…
I must’ve thrown up 7 times, the pain was crippling. So of course I told everyone I had a migraine. Just as a child it was the ultimate “you can’t prove I’m not ill” card to play when I wanted a day off of school it serves equally well in adulthood. Its worth noting I do actually suffer crippling migraines at times so it’s a thing I’m known for. Oh what an accomplished deceiver I am to have a cover story pre-seeded in my life.
So here we are, I don’t know what to do, how to do it, or what deep down I need!, but Thursday was terrifying in hindsight, a nadir that is making me think and question.