How did we get here?

The simple answer and I suspect it’s the same for many of us humans, are the lockdowns. A period of time that for those who went through those strange two years needs no introduction but as time passes and we hopefully return to a new normal then that shared experience will dilute.

For now, though, I think we can all agree the past two years have been a strange old time to be alive. Blaming lockdown is easy in some ways, suddenly working at home 24/7, living alone, bored, and unable to do anything then it’s clear that when my drinking went from problematic to actively medicinal.

Ever since my 18th year when I first discovered the joys of drinking beyond the oversight of worried parents I have never, ever, been able to stop once I’ve started. Like the proverbial crack in a damn once the seal is breached there is no holding back the pressure. The strange thing, having spoken to many normal people, it seems like a single instance of the hangover from hell or an instance of getting blackout drunk was enough to stop them for good.

Whatever self-preservation instinct the response to those triggers in others I clearly lack, the first, tenth, or hundredth time of waking up not remember parts of the previous night have never scared me once I know shit is ok, my bag is still there, glasses accounted for, am in my own bed or at least next to a human I recognize.

Wake up hungover, throw up 5 times… that’s just par for the course. in my head, there has never been a connection between them, or perhaps the price for that flow state of bliss only booze can bring on is always worth paying. Listening to others’ tales of woe and how they now always respect their limits is utterly alien, they might as well be talking about how they learned to taste the colour blue or that they’re going to give up on food completely. That feeling, that escape, was worth any price and nothing has ever stopped me from diving into it.

So what did lockdown do?

I think it finally broke me of all and any restraint. Drinking at home wasn’t something I did in my 20s, that was what I did on a night on the town, rather it slowly started in my 30s. Essentially discovering the delight of a G&T poured from your own drinks cupboard.

Somehow I moved from one or two on of an evening at the weekend to school nights to every night. From two to three to four doubles one after the other. Again, it’s never been about having a drink, it’s about drinking.

Pre lockdown though it was starting later as I wouldn’t be home until at least 7:30, and I was fitting in the gym around that, so really any drinking was fit around a busy schedule. With the first lockdown in full swing, everything went away leaving one at home for the whole damn day, save that one exercise break. Like with so many habits already ingrained it expanded to fill the allotted time. Finish work at six, have the first drink since the gym is closed. Suddenly five is ok as there are no more meetings and you’re just reading email so why not unwind.

Now it’s a lunchtime double to take the edge off. It’s a whole bottle in two days.

I had nothing but time to think, and who the hell wants to be left alone with the chaos that won’t quieten down. How can anyone relax with that indecent noise only a brain whirring too fast can generate.