Drinking sure is easier than doing shit!

It really is!

One thing my family (and, to be fair, others) gives me grief about is that the things I say I want to achieve I don’t attack, don’t make progress on… and tonight I’ve started to really think that this comes back to booze.

Because wow! isn’t it just a whole lot easier to pour a drink than sit down and plan something stressful? (the answer is yes)! of course, the reasons for that are complex.

I have anxiety, always have. Interestingly as I’ve gotten older I can see these traits in my parents. Not understood or supported, but they’re there, just as the same avoidance tactics are there with old fashioned names like “they’re difficult” as opposed to “this situation is causing them anguish, support and listening would help but that’s not understood so we’re going to ignore it”.

I had a great thought for this blog post… but I’ve had 3 double gin and tonics and a shocking amount of a good Irish whiskey so alas the brain isn’t working as well as I would’ve hoped. Yet the thought has persisted all day. Those things I want and make no progress toward, in part because doing so scares me, causes anxiety… heck it is a whole lot easier to spend an evening pouring a drink than engaging with it, and yet isn’t it the clarion call of the bottle that makes them seem stressful.

I have always been anxious, I have always felt a deep desire to never be noticed in a situation, to not be seen as not belonging somehow, but of late that seems to have morphed into a quasi status where nothing changes. I’ve stopped moving forward as I accumulate things I want or need to do and those additional stressors just add to the anxiety. Drinking shuts it up.

So once more we reach that inevitable destination of the old thought train that we’re in a terrible downward spiral.

I can’t tell if that’s a good reason to stop drinking, if only for a little bit.

I want those things, but those things are hard and complicated and one more evening slumped in a stupor is easy.

Everything is about what’s next because the Toddler never shuts up.

Tomorrow I want to dry not drinking, I think it’s going to f’n suck harder than a thousand vacuum cleaners.

Wish me luck!.