Life without reward

Yesterday I managed another alcohol-free day. My second, I’m pretty happy about that and am planning on another tonight. Taking a walk certainly helped to bridge the gap between work and home and I didn’t have an unbearable anxiety attack…

But I did have to trick myself into doing it, at least I promised myself if I didn’t drink I could have a takeaway.

As I was out wandering the streets, podcast playing, attempting to think about it and not that sweet, sweet, drink I wasn’t allowed when I got home, I was struck by two things.

Firstly, I was angry, where was my reward for adulting, I did a days work I deserve something for that, and without a drink what is there

Secondly, how can you rebel without a drink? It’s 5 o’clock, you're not cooking dinner, raising the kids, or doing shit for a mythical husband. I’m a kick-ass woman whose independent and successful and wants to tell society to go fuck itself and in the process be cool. So much of my personality is wrapped up in going against the grain and telling the world “I might be different, but I’m awesome”

That’s all tinged with the thrill of knowing that two-fingered salute to the world is really destructive. What’s more exciting than doing something stupid, showing callous disregard for yourself because you don’t care and apathy is your brand.

I crave reward, I crave that sense of fulfillment in rejecting everything, and being an alcoholic getting stuck in at lunchtime is just… fuck it’s kinda appealing in its own stupid way.

Railing against the machine by doing what everyone else does, just “more”

Something needs to replace that reward though, my waistline isn’t going to take daily takeout